A question of rationality part 3 ( the answer)

After a long struggle with the fears and feelings of shame and inadequacy. The anger and confusion that almost destroy me I begin to feel something new. I can't describe it but it lingers and slowly turns to sadness.

 This new stage is mourning. But what am I mourning?

 I am mourning my own shame because this shift in self is because I found the answer. The answer it that I stopped trying to retionalize something totally irrational and beyond my control.

 The simple fact is that a rational mind cannot grasp irrational behavior . I am empowered by my own rationality. None of this was ever my problem. I convinced myself it was, quite irrationally so.

A question of rationality part 2 ( self doubt)

 The self doubt aspect. Why is this person so mean to me? What have I done to deserve this? I must be a terrible human being! I do not deserve to be happy! I keep changing my reactions but nothing helps... I am so stupid. Nothing I do will ever be good enough. I have changed my entire life, routines, friends, activities but you still don't trust me! What more can I do to make you feel better! How can I impower you so you feel more secure? 

And then finally, I give up. I will just sit back and pray for an answer. I am just the worst, I am a failure!

And one day all of those feelings become anger, animosity and maybe even hate.

A question of rationality (The question)

For years I have been trying to figure out how to cope with the irrational behavior of another person. It has been making me crazy. I felt like I must have been doing something to cause this behavior. For the past few years I have been walking on eggshells while trying to curb my actions ( because this had to be about me). Making decisions based on the reactions of another is exhausting. 

 This has to be part of being an adult, right? Learning to compromise and finding ways to interact that won't create even more emotional trauma? Suffering through seemingly endless feelings of guilt and mistrust? This has to be normal and I must be unstable right?!?

Even the brightest stars appear to flicker out on a cloudy night.

My Neato Burrito experience ....

The best burrito in central Pennsylvania , as most locals would agree, is from Neato Burrito. The made to order monster was as big as my plate and absolutely delicious. With their many choices, they are sure to please any pallet. I chose that Herb Garlic Tortilla ( there are 7 to choose from), the pulled chicken breast, BBQ rice with extra sauce, refried beans, cheese, sour cream , Salsa Verde, lettuce, tomato and cucumber. The beverage selection, both bottled and fountain, is extensive. My choice was the Shark-Zilla Black Cherry ( a real sugar fountain soda exclusive to the small chain). I was stuffed with enough left over for a second meal. The next best thing to the meal was the price.  2 burritos- 2 sodas in a fun filled environment = $ 18.00

Before i got married i....

There seems to be a lot of the Before i got marrieds going around. Why? Because you stopped. Yes, your life is different now. Maybe you moved, had children or even just got comfortable.

I recently (almost two years ago) got married. Things changed immediately. Not was i sharing my life but a home as well. My husband and i are very much in love and we have our share of issues.A few weeks ago i realized that we/i needed to make some changes.Today i realize i had a serious case of the Before i got Marrieds (a toxic disorder). Toxic because it causes the dreaded Before we got married you... Syndrome.

I know what you are thinking but it is absolutely real!

Yes i will explain this very dangerous syndrome to you.It starts like this. You begin to think to yourself, Geez before i got married i would get up every day and pamper myself. Then you think, before i got married i was hot! All of these things are likely true.

The next phase is where it gets tricky because you have already begun to give in to the Before i got marrieds.You begin to say before we got married You.... yep it has begun. The blame game. Before we got married We would get dressed up and go out. Before we got married You brought me flowers every week. Before we got married You would talk to me. Before we got married you loved my hair.

Then comes the worst part. Before we got married you wanted me! Before we got married we had sex all of the time!!!!! The damage is done!

Now we are unhappy with each other on some level. Now we argue about the towels on the floor and the dishes in the sink. We argue for the sake of the argument. Then maybe we have make up sex and are happy for five minutes.

After the short rush wears off you go about your business until  you realize the towels are on the floor again. You see where i am going with this by now and it really is not a good place.The cycle has likely been going on for some time and we still say,

"BEFORE I GOT MARRIED!"

Now it is time to look in the mirror and ask the tough questions. Why did YOU stop doing what you did before you got married?

Now the excuses start. I was too busy cooking to dress like i did. I was only doing laundry, Why bother doing my hair. The game is on and i did not have time to stop and get you flowers. The baby was up all night... and on and on.

Now for the good news. There is a cure.

STOP IT! Stop blaming your spouse. Stop having makeup sex. Stop making excuses.Stop arguing and start planning time to do the things that made YOU happy before you got married and NO this does not mean getting drunk and stupid.Sleeping with that person who makes your heart race.

Sit down with your spouse and discuss the things you are missing. For me it is always looking like i feel great, even if i feel crappy. I wrote every day. I was always learning something new. I walked daily. I kept my appearance neat.


When my husband fell in love with me i had short hair, was thinner, went dancing, and was involved with some form of art daily. We went for walks together and would stop for a break on occasion and just sit together. Sometimes we talked but mostly just enjoyed each other. We sat together on the balcony with wine and music. And then we got busy being married. No more walks but lots of meals out...adding pounds and frustration.No more wine on the balcony....tv in bed replaced that time, both decreasing intimacy and fondness for going to bed together. Knowing he likes long hair, i let mine grow, trying to please him and forgetting how much i hate dealing with my hair when it is long. Projects around the house replaced my writing and arts time. I was changing to become the wife i thought he wanted. He changed plenty too, became comfortable as we all do.

Next thing i knew i had the before i got marrieds. Tonight i am writing again. Tomorrow the hair goes and tv in bed is reserved for after romance or when we are just plain tired. I n one evening i cured my case of the before i got marrieds.  I know that things will never be exactly as they were because we all change and we all have bad days. More than anything i realize that WE are married and we both have gotten a bit too comfortable with the status quot.

So do the things that make YOU happy and make sure you give your spouse the time and space to do what makes THEM happy. Be grateful you found someone who you are so in love with that you are angry about the less healthy changes. Show them that they are important and wanted. You have become we but you are still a person with likes and dislikes, with needs and desires.If there are before we got marrieds than address them and allow yourself to grow as an I in a marriage as a we.

So today i spent the majority of the day in bed with a migraine. Thinking of the many things i have been neglecting over the past few months. My writing is one thing that i have missed terribly. Before i t
start to rattle on about my latest obsession i want to update you all about my life. In November 2012 i married my best friend. In the months surrounding November i changed jobs, moved closer to Harrisburg and did some major soul searching. I had to make some serious choices.I questioned everything, everyone.I made my lists and eliminated other options. weighing the options and eliminating even more.Then it became all about choices. Asking myself the tough questions i pose to other people. Answering them proved harder than i had imagined. I ended up with some serious writers block.... more like communication block. Isolated myself from nearly all outside influence.... all in the name of the search. Today i see i have not been searching for answers... i have been searching for Questions to ask myself.

I found a great question for myself... Why a migraine? The answer... to many unshared thoughts.

Fire and Angels

You put the fire in my eyes,
  You make an angel want to cry
 Our time is never going to die.
    Because you put the fire in my eyes,
    Tread where angels go to cry,
    Space sacred to you an i.
    You bring a light into the night,
    You make an angel want to cry,
    A place where sadness went to die,
    Brought the light into my life'
    Hearts filled with true loves light.
    Make the coldest night go by without
    a chill you made me cry.
    The place where angels go to cry,
    You brought the light into my life,
    put the fire in my eyes,
    Tread where the angels go to cry,
    bring a light into the night,
    The place where angels go to cry

I wrote this poem a few months ago.... just wanted to share it.

What is happening ? Atmospheric Storm?

 I wanted to share a link from NPR with you and Highlight some of the crazy things going on with our Solar system.

 I know we have all heard about the planetary alignment happening as we live our lives here on Earth. I also know that there is more than enough hype and fear mongering about the End of Days and the thousand other theories floating around.

This is what is going on today on Earth and in our sky as of today.....

  http://www.npr.org/blogs/thetwo-way/2012/03/07/148170132/sun-sends-solar-flares-speeding-toward-earth-will-hit-thursday-video


http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,2070503,00.html


http://www.nasa.gov/topics/earth/features/2012.html


 http://www.yourhoustonnews.com/pearland/news/nasa-provides-update-on-solar-flare-as-its-effects-reach/article_33c9cc20-6898-11e1-a253-001871e3ce6c.html


  So there is the science of today. I have been sky watching and it is a beautiful show.  This and the next 3 to 4 weeks are giving us a view of several aligned planets. Here is a link to a great sky watching site that has pics and easy to understand tips for all.


http://earthsky.org/astronomy-essentials/visible-planets-tonight-mars-jupiter-venus-saturn-mercury

When you look at the great energies effecting Earth today, we are bound to experience some disruptions and maybe even a few crazy events. The facts.... We are in the full moon phase... we are to experience the impact of Two major Solar Flares today.... The not so scary but beautiful planetary alignment is visible to the human eye all month.So got out doors and look to the sky... enjoy the beauty.

I share the above links with you so you can check it all out for yourself.

Just a few words to share from my facebook

Some of you are aware that my Inbox reads like a newspaper column.... full of questions and requests for advice. I am going to reply to today's ( and most days) common question/concern via wall post.
 
My advice on the topic of choices is simple, ask yourself these questions: Q. What do i want? Q. What do i need? Q. Can this situation or person help me achieve my given goal? Q. If this is a major life choice, Can i live with this choice for the rest of my life? Q. If i can live with this choice and i fail, what is the cost to me and mine? Q. What are the potential benefits? Most of all the question is, If i fail or the situation fail, How do i recover my losses (be they personal or financial)?

  NOW, a few words on LOSS. Loss is a scary concept for most of us only because we lack the knowledge to personally measure loss. Loss can and does happen to us all but with planning and understanding most losses are minimal when you look at the BIG PICTURE. A few examples: You make a financial investment knowing very well that it may not pay off because you ( assuming you are wise in your investments) know that with a few hours of overtime or a part-time job for a few months or even a year will be a small price to pay when compared to the possible pay out on the investment.

You have been dating someone for a while and you realize that there is no future in it (even though you are enjoying it at the moment) so you end it because the investment of time and or emotion will have no pay out. Measuring loss of most any type( other then death and injury) gives us a clearer picture of our desires so considering loss is vital to critical thinking. 
  
Have a beautiful day my friends and i hope that in some way this benefits you.

A note on Immigration Education

I recently was blown away by a comment made by a well educated and not so wise person. I am still dumb founded by idiocy of some people when it comes to Immigration... the conversation went as follows:

 Him, " so how do you feel about immigration?".

Me, "what aspect?".

Him, "Illegal Immigration of course.".

Me, " it depends on what you qualify as illegal.".
As he looked at me dumb founded i knew he had not thought his question through so i told him he could respond by example if it was more comfortable for him. After a brief pause he began to comment.

Him, " My ancestors immigrated here legally to Ellis Island and i hate the fact that so many people are here through illegal means.".

Me, " Are you aware that there first steps here were those of an illegal immigrant?".

Him," What are you? Stupid? Why would you say such a thing? Do you know your history?".

Me, after a belly laugh," It just so happens i do know my history, And every person who walked off the boat at Ellis Island was indeed here illegally.".

Him, "What the f**k are you talking about?".

Me, after another laugh, " My ancestors, just as yours came here illegally. It just so happens that they were allowed to stay after signing in. Imagine that... if someone had said you can not stay here than you an i would still be Illegal Immigrants!".

And he walked away... not that i mind.

Love vs. Obsession

 As a mother of five children i see a lot of confusion about love vs. obsession with my children and many of their friends. I even see the confusion in adults all over the world. After the break up of my daughters friend and her boyfriend the friend was reaching out for attention and emotional support. My very wise daughter tried to tell her friend that what she was feeling was not love but obsession and was very counter productive. The truth is that we as modern human beings are most often confused by the idea of love. How do we explain the difference between love and obsession? As a person who has experienced both i can tell you that love is a healthy and fulfilling emotional state and obsession is negative and even deadly state of mind with much confusion. Love and obsession are defined as follows:

Obsession:

  a persistent disturbing preoccupation with an often unreasonable idea or feeling

 

 

 Love:

a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.

 The difference on paper is very clear. Some research shows that a depressed society literally can not see the difference between the two. After some research and a lot of thought i have modernized the definitions as follows: 

Love:

A feeling of fondness and trust in another. The desire to spend quality time with another being. Feeling fulfilled after spending time with the other. The mutual knowing that the other person trusts you enough to give you space and time to live your separate life and to achieve your goals. The desire to see your partner succeed in all aspects of life both public and private.

Obsession:

The desire to have constant contact and communication. A need to keep tabs on the actions of the other. The feeling that your other will abandon you. The unhealthy desire to control the actions and feelings of the other person. A constant fear that the other person is unfaithful or will be the moment they get a chance.A desire for quantity as apposed to quality time.

The signs that the involvement is a potentially dangerous Obsessive situation are as follows.

- Constant texts and phone calls

- Sneaking a peek at personal information such as emails, texts, phone call logs.

- A feeling of mistrust

- Irrational fear of losing the other person 

- The desire to spend all of one's free time with the other person

- Starting fights to re assure your place in the others life

- the need for the constant attention or the other person

- A deep desire to posses the other person emotionally and or physically.

I have added a link to a great conversation about the topic.

 

 

http://www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=54461

Worth Letting Go

Today i let go to preserve my soul
If it is worth loving it is worth letting go
To heal is to embrace the pain
To soar like an Eagle one needs freedom
I am free

Either you reach a higher point today, or you exercise your strength in order to be able to climb higher tomorrow.
- Friedrich Nietzsche 

This quote inspires me every day to be a better me. I have not been here for a while because i was going through one of life's down cycles. I let other people and their emotions and needs effect my strength as we human beings often do. I am becoming better every day at being unattached to the energies that slow me down and worse yet bring me down. The every day lessons that we can learn are so often concentrated into self pity  and doubt. Doubt in your strengths and abilities is a self imposed hell.The ability to see beyond that hell is a gift we all posses but most refuse to see. Living for the possibilities is a self created  wonderland. That wonderland is where i wish to spent my future.

Disappointment

Every day we survive in life brings moments of happiness, joy, sadness, and frustration. We seem to get angry and hurt when others act in ways that we do not comprehend have trouble processing or identifying with. I think that these emotions are all tied together under one simple word "disappointment". I believe most of us are unattached to the reality of our feelings.We say "no you have not let me down" , but indeed they have. We are disappointed in their behavior or moral and ethical choices. We are disappointed in ourselves for not seeing through the facade sooner. We feel like the victim in some way. No one wants to admit that we could not see that side in another human. It is nice to think that we know people well enough to say "i would know if they were lying", but you see that is why it hurts so much... we believe the lie. Very disappointing when we see the truth. You are a victim and it hurts terribly to feel so helpless. The anger you feel is totally normal. It in many ways a mourning process. The stages of grief are all there in some way. Denial, anger, fear, frustration and guilt. Why did i not see this coming.

It is worse when we are disappointed in a best friend or lover because we know them so well. Yes we do know them but refuse to believe they would hurt us.He or she could never lie to or cheat on me... they love me. This person would never steal from me... they are my friend. We refuse to see the truth in front of us. It hurts us on so many levels. We need to see this hurt as a lesson. We need to mourn and grieve. We need to embrace the fact that we feel. Disappointment in others is also disappointment in ourselves. Let the emotions come and work through them. Embrace the lessons. We will be disappointed again. We will disappoint another. Grieve and live. Do not dwell there. It is human to err. It is super human to forgive and move through life in peace.

Cycles of life ...

I have had reason the last day or so to examine the cycles of life that we all experience. Yes i know... we are born, we grow, we get old and we pass on. Blah Blah Blah.
I am talking about the emotional and ever changing side of life. It really is overwhelming to think of the many phases we all experience. The cycles are different for all of us but the feelings though at different times and experiences are identical. Our perception of these is the only difference. I mean really at some time we all experience every single emotion known to man... and many in between and unknown. Every thing from tranquility to the darkest evil touch us all. This thought leads me to common cycles of human behavior and emotion. So every day we have a cycle made up of tiny cycles...lets refer to this cycle an the minute...Come on KEEP UP....Every minute of the day we are thinking ,feeling , forgetting, listening ,processing and remembering. That one minute cycle involves every sense we have and many we do not yet understand. Wow, that is just the tip of the one minute ice burg. No wonder we are so emotional at times! Multiply that by 60 and we have another tiny cycle... we will call this cycle the Hour...i know...tough concept! So within the hour we have 60 smaller cycles all crammed into one. What happens to all of that data we absorb.. who really knows for sure.. we only know that in any given cycle something profound is likely to happen... Profound???...yes profound. Noticeable enough to be stored as an active memory must make it in some tiny way profound. After all we do not choose the events we remember on an active level of thought. Now i know you get the concept of time and can read a calender well enough to get where this is going. On average most modern humans will experience more than 75 year long cycles...all crammed with tiny overwhelming cycles.

Here is the strange part... every event , belief, lifestyle and choice seems to have an independent cycle that has a striking average across society. The average go nowhere date...2 hours or less. The average infatuation with a stranger 6 to 12 hours... also known as the on night stand. The average lie can last about 4 to 6 mts. also known as the other shoe dropping. I like to call that one the REALLY phase... Totally awesome but dreadfully revealing phase.Average church membership... 5 years. Monogamy in a relationship...7 years if you are lucky. Marriage 6 mts in America. Sexual desire..1to 3 yrs broken into 2 to 3 week cycles. Arguments...every 2 to 4 weeks. Average marriage 30 years ago...Life. New car...6 mts..replaced within two years. Television usually every 3 to 5 years. Sneakers..up to 10 years. Tuxedo Life. Roof  7 years. Garden life. Wallet 3 years. Sun glasses 1 month. False teeth ...life. Wow we sure do have some crazy cycles. Do we really have such distorted values??? Within each of these cycles there are different cycles ending and beginning. If we could separate out desires from the natural cycles and input good core values we would all be apt to put more value on the human parts of our cycles.

Venting.... Some times people suck!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH ...... I get so frustrated with people some times! Who gives people the right to judge other people. We all do it on a constant basis even though mostly on a subconscious level. Since when is it acceptable to out rite judge another, Or take advantage of another person's good will and open nature. Predators is what that makes us. We are indeed the most devious and selfish of predators.  We prey on the emotions and energies of other human beings. I would like to think myself a bit above that behavior...but then i feel backed into a corner and it is stomp or be stomped. The home lives we should treasure are far too often taken for granted and abused. In the work place healthy competition is very necessary and even then taken too far. Our love lives are the same...i love you as long as it is convenient and easy...as long as you get out of my way and let me do whatever i choose...even if it hurts you and i both. Our relationships with our children are the same... i am bigger and stronger and do what i say or else.Or else what?...i am going to throw a fit as a child and kick and scream...Really???!!!  I may not have all of the answers..but neither do you! You are no better than i am! You have more money...who cares! You can not take it with you ! Do not see yourself as superior just because you fit someone else vision of success. In the end you are a sack of bone...just as ugly as me! In the end i will have touched the heart of some one and changed their life for the better. Can you say the same? Will people say " I am better for knowing them" ? That is what matters in the end. The feeling you leave behind.  So many bring religion into the topic of death and the meaning of life.... Take your god out of the equation and what is left...You and your treatment of other human beings.Some believe in judgement... what if the person you just destroyed is your judge? I hope all of the people i care about know how much i appreciate them and their station in life. I hope the love i entrust you with and the love you give in return is honest and pure. There is a person in my past , present or future that is a teacher of life lessons...good and bad...thank you for your lesson...even if it hurts. There are so many people out there that i have hurt... i hope there was some good that came from knowing me.

Hello 2011....

Well it is 2011... another year gone by. I am so Happy to see that so many of us are still here! Many of you know that i ended my year with a minor surgery on my arm. Yesterday i was lucky enough to have a tooth surgically removed....awesome huh. It is all good though, i would much rather suffer surgical pain for a bit than have any complications such as infection...illness...pain... even Cancer. I guess that means i am actually off to a good start. Since i was laid off i have been thinking so much about what i am going to do with my future and the amazing array of possibility in front of me. My home life really took a crazy turn or ten last year and not all of those turns have been for the worst. The turns have forced me to continually re examine even my smallest choices. There is nothing at all that can be done to change the events that have led any of us to where we are today... we can however be a bit more thoughtful about our tomorrows. I think that is the thing i will resolve to do most of all. I need to slow down and let tomorrow happen... i can only effect my own actions if i am aware of them. To be really aware we need to remove ourselves from the equation and see where we really stand.

When we are children and we fall down, skinning our knees, our parents tell us that every thing will be ok. They clean the wound an send us on our way. We get a bit older and some one picks on us. Our parents jump to our defense, stomping any one in the way. They say you are great as you are and send us on our way. Then one day we are preparing for adult hood and see that some one else is far advanced. Our parents sit down with us and tell us that it is our turn to grow and advance. They can no longer pick us up and brush us off, tell us how every thing will work out and send us on our way. We learn to depend on our selves.
  Some of us decide to become parents... always hoping to be better and more supportive than our own were. We do the same parent things that our parents did only to realize that just maybe they did the best they could. Maybe it will be fine as long as we do our best. Maybe they were right about a few things after all. As my children grow and move away a wish i was a better friend to them. Then i realize that i am not here to be their friend. I am simply here to see them on their way.

 Hi there, I trust you all had a great Holiday filled with family, love, warmth and kindness. I spent the holiday with some wonderful people i call ... my family. I know... it is a stretch for some of you! My family is scattered all over the country now and my children are getting older. Some starting families of their own. The last few weeks i have thought a lot about what the word family means. We all grow up and move away...devastating our parents as we go. As the family dynamic changes so does our understanding of the basic family unit. So many of us have abandon the idea of traditional families and the ties they share. Divorce is far more common than communication. Making a family work is an extremely difficult and painstaking task that we are far too often willing to give up on. I am a divorcee with a family that resembles a quilt. It is nice to warm your self with a quilt of your own making when things are tough. So embrace your family...no matter how tattered and word. You can always add a new patch to a perfect quilt.

I recently had some time to closely reflect on the changes i have made and the steps i have taken to somehow improve my life. Baby steps toward massive and towering goals. Diving into the shark infested waters of interpersonal relations. Relocating to save my sanity and attempt to in some way change my relationship with the world around me. The end of many things... The start of so many more.


 I am forced now to think of the year and the idea of resolve. We have a tradition of New Year Resolutions. Why do we need to wait until New Years Eve to decide to make changes for the better? Should we not be thinking always of self improvement? I wonder if we are setting ourselves up to fail if the only reason to set a goal is New Years Eve thoughts. So many of us resolve to fail it seems. We set unachievable goals for ourselves and feel like total losers when we are not capable of meeting them. Why not resolve to take many small steps, after all they are equal to massive bounds,just in more manageable packages. What would you like to change? Do you want to stop or start an activity? As i resolve to change the tiny things i do not like about my life i can look back and see just how dramatic some of those tiny steps became. What about you?

My road

My road is long and winding with many ups and downs. On occasion there are some straight and smooth areas to rest and enjoy the beauty. In those places there are flowing waters and soft valleys. Trees to tall to imagine and flowers tiny and delicate.There are smiling faces and warm touches. There is laughing till i cry and a sparkle in your eye. I know that there is where i hide...this place i keep safe in my mind. I try to show this place to you. To take you there i wish. I can not show you though.You are cold as driven snow. But to me the warm i see is not the side you wish to be. So one day you'll take my hand and together walk on sacred land.

Ever so softly...

Ever so softly you brush across my cheek. A gentle tickle. You remind me of childhood play time. Innocence abound. Ever so softly you touch my lips. Never to stay long in this world. Passing so quickly you do not try to stay. Holding on to something that can never be. As i look to the sky you kiss my eye lashes. A whirlwind of to remind me that you are always in motion. I open my mouth catching a taste of your perfection as you melt away...Ever so softly, never to stay.

if

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if

by Iva Gordon Haas on Saturday, November 13, 2010 at 12:45pm

If i could tell you how i am feeling at this exact moment it would sound something like, imagine having your heart ripped out and handed to you. If i could explain the depth of my sadness it would be something like, a bottomless well, cold and dark. If i could tell you how much i depend on my love to get me through, it would sound like a dark symphony with soft and gentle undertones. If i could describe the way i feel in your arms it would be like being submerged in the warm spring waters of the hidden forest in the sweetest fairy tale. If ever there is a time that you think i do not feel, just read these words and let my touch speak for me.

In The Blood

I walk away slowly now because if i run my blood burns with the knowing. I can never see my self falling. Never let my self flee. If you tell me when my heart ceases beat i would appreciate it because i will never notice deaths sweet embrace. I will never feel deaths cold hand in mine. Never see the sun setting for eternity. I will never walk away without the knowing that i am eternally yours. In my blood and i in yours.

Morning Sun

And you touch my cheek
Remind me of the now time
Today is life seed.

Falling Down

For those who are under the impression i am strong...You are in for disappointment..

For the greater part of my life i have busted my ass to support and raise my children. Not just push them until they could hold their own, or even throw money at them so they shut up...Hell No!!! I have tried to instill in them a true and honest life style... I have dealt with the issues most parents ignore thinking that it would make a difference. It seems all i have achieved is tons of stress for me! I am Falling Down, not even sure if i want to try and get back up after the fall has ended. I am in no way saying that my children are not Amazing...indeed they are...just that i feel like all of my trying has been just trying. Ever so slowly wearing me down...slowly wrenching the pleasure from my heart. I do feel as though i have let the ones i was trying so hard to help down. I have worked so hard only to have them unable to cope with the world around them in so many ways. I feel as though they would be better off with the criminals they know as Dads family. How did loving them hurt them? As i am falling down i begin to welcome the pain that we associate with hitting bottom. This is not a cry for help..i am not asking for pity or attention...i really could do without the attention i do get. I am just being honest in telling you that i am fragile as a child and break like the rest of you....the only difference is....there is none...i am simply aware that i am falling down. Falling down with no desire to climb back to my feet simply put just means that when i am done kicking and screaming i will have only one choice...Falling up. So do not bother trying to help me,or talk me through my child like fit, just know that when i am damn good and ready i will allow the falling up just as i did the falling down

part one

One day somebody told me that when i grew up i would play an important roll in the changing of the world as we know it. That comment scared me more than i think anything before or since. I was very young and the person who told me that was a very intelligent person who i had a great respect for. For a very long time i tried to trash anything good that came my way. Well...how would you feel? I thought the fate of the world was in my hands! That is like pee your pants kind of pressure! I think my hair started falling out i was so stressed. Well as the days went by i forgot all about those words until i heard them from another more than twenty years later.

After a lifetime of soul searching and debating religion and faith,belonging and belief i found my own path as we all should.It was not until after the birth of my youngest child (now nine) that i heard those words again and so much more. It was in the evening on the day of my youngest son's third birthday party. While enjoying the company of a few close family friends one of them looked at me suddenly as though he had seen a ghost. He rapidly made his excuse and made his exit. After a period of a few weeks the friend approached me about what he experienced the evening of the party. He told me that he had a vision but that at the time he thought he was ill or going mad. We arranged a time to meet and discuss the strange experience.

We sat down over a cup of coffee as we had done many times before. This time everything felt different. He was on a mission. The most important event in his recent life revolved around me and my future. It started with i am not crazy and please don't laugh at me and ended with do believe me? But it was the discussion in between that was unnerving and scary for me. He told me about something he saw in my eyes that evening. Like looking into a pool and seeing a movie. He saw me sitting in the water on a large rock and i appeared to be glowing. The glow emanating from my heart and mind seemed to surround the water and all of it's inhabitants. I did not tell him then that in the oldest biblical and spiritual texts my name translates into Gift from God or depending on the origin Goddess and Protector of The Waters. The idea of his vision indeed left me speechless. But the scary and shocking part was the message he had for me, The time is coming , You are going to be called upon to insight a change in the hearts and minds of all human kind. You will spark a change in the world as we know it.

My head spun as the memory of the first time i had heard those words flooded into my heart and mind. Every little detail of that day came screaming back to me. I actually had to vomit i was so filled with hope and fear. A child like sense of wonder forced me to dig deeper.I began to question every choice i had ever made in my life. Could there be a force behind all of my doubts and fears? Could there be a bigger reason? Could one old woman see all of the events to come when she looked in the eyes of her grand daughter? Could she have really known? Could she be the cause for the skeptic ones visions more than twenty years later?

Untitled

The flicker of the tiny flame that lights the tattered walls. The scent of healing Lavender that soothes the weary soul.The purity of ocean salt keeps the dark at bay.The nature of humanity that the goddess guide your way.I wish for you a flint to warm the winter night.I wish for you the sight to never miss a thing.I wish for you an insight to the souls who pass you by.I wish for you the power to fight the moral fight.

The Rooftop

When i remember the greatest things in life i remember the rooftop. To sit and watch the world go by. To smell the post rain air.The idea that you are hidden from the world perched on top so high.To see a loving first caress. Or a wrenching final kiss. The roof is where i first really felt my fears. I first really dreamed my dreams.And hidden from a strangers view is where i first saw you. I never spoke a word to you. You never knew i saw. I watched for an eternity. I saw you come and go. As for what your name is , i am sure I'll never know.

Nature in motion

There is a mystical beauty behind the thrill of the sound of a distant thunder storm.The slowly building rumble. Growing ever closer and more apparent. The electrons building in the atmosphere creating that slight tingle just under your skin.
Your heart speeds as the storm builds in strength. Ever closer and more exciting. The air pressure changes and you feel the change in every body part. Then the first streak of lightning comes, releasing the penned up energy back into the earth. You feel a sudden spike if physical stimuli. Suddenly the maximum release of natures own power and strength. The thunder crashes and you gasp.The lightning surrounds you like a blanket of silver light. You are over come by the greatness and energy of the world around you. Your senses are at their peek. And as fast as it started it has passed leaving a feeling of rejuvenation and renewal. A fresh start. A cool night. A beautiful breeze reminds you of soothing touch of nature.

Stand

I stand here washing dishes...in my own little world... The thought crosses my mind....Why? Why do i try so dam hard to make things work? Why do i bother caring? Am i the only one? I sure hope not! I hope that there are others who still feel..who still care ...who still try.
I fear that so many who are close to me only pretend to. I imagine a world where people have the utmost respect for others. But reality tells me they don't. I know my respect has limits,and once you push me to a certain point I simply stand. I do not budge! I find it hard to forgive! At a point i can no longer forgive. I was recently told that i can be too judgmental. How would the person who said that feel if i judged them as harshly as i could? Would they be pushed past that point...would they stand...i am not so sure they can. It is much more difficult to stand. To stand for something. To stand up for something.

confused

I am not sure what is bugging me. I am not sure why. I find myself drawn in all of these new directions.Unfamiliar territory i suppose.In general i am a fear nothing sort of person. I actually could care less what people think of me...until recently that is.
I always try to respect others. I care so much about their well being that i tend to get hurt alot.You could describe me as Solitary Green Wiccan. I have a great love for humanity.I always know just what those around me need from me. And give it if i can. I wave a lot of questions about me recently...and am not sure why..or who to talk to about it. I guess i am so used to helping others that i am not sure where to turn when i need guidance.As i said...confused!

Mother

I am above all things a mother.From this i take pride and joy.As difficult as things may be,i know I'm doing right when any of my children look at me. Some people attempt to judge me...for them i feel ashamed.There is much more to me than mother. Some that i know seem to see. They manage to see the woman that glows deep within me!

Knowing is scary.

To get to know another human is a really scary thought. It should be. When we meet a fellow human we show them a side that we want them to know. Yes we do...but that is normal. The learning of another soul is sometimes the best part of the journey! Learning the little things as we go is exciting. But what happens when you come to the point that there is nothing new...or you no longer like what you see....scary thought huh? What happens if that exciting person ends up a goalless creature who has no drive to improve?Do you move on? Do you act like it does not bother you? Yes, act...because without our dreams and goals we are stagnant. When we are stagnant we no longer can thrive. There for our human instinct to grow and evolve is lost to a sadness of spirit. We can not be happy there for long. We need stimulation and growth.

Thinking

I was thinking about the ability to read minds...Wow scary thought! I tried to keep track of my thoughts for a while...thinking that if someone could read my mind...What would they think? I caught myself thinking about a rather wide array of subjects. I thought a lot about how my thoughts would make others feel. I think i passed my own little test. I could not isolate any specific thoughts that would really hurt another human.

Then i began to wonder about the human state..How do other people measure the importance of their thoughts? I know from experience that negative thoughts breed negative actions. Do violent people have the understanding of others or even them selves..to even attempt empathy? Can we train ourselves to feel empathy? If the human mind is as complex as scientists say...how could they possibly even begin to properly diagnose mental illness? I wonder how much easier it would be to aide a mentally ill person if we really knew what was going through their minds when they act out. Could the average stable person handle the thoughts of a disturbed mind. Is it really a disturbed mind.. Maybe some of these people react to the dark side of all of our thoughts. Are we all responsible in some way for the sickness in our society?

Studies frequently show that an empath can suffer severe emotional and physical pain when exposed to people who are in mental or physical pain. Could this cause one to snap?Could a child empath whom is never educated about empathy and how to control the influx of emotion and feeling grow to be disturbed? I would think that it is very likely.Our society is growing more accepting of the minds inherent sixth sense abilities. Maybe someday we will be able to recognize the ability to train the disturbed mind to Experience empathy in a positive way and better serve all humanity without the mask of psychotropic drugs and inhumane treatment.

Part 1-untitled short story

It could not have been much past 9pm when the feeling came over her. The feeling that she was not alone. It was a familiar feeling...but unsettling just the same. More often than not it was the effect of spending the evening alone watching old horror movies. This was different. She tried to get to sleep and just ignore the nagging idea that someone was there. Just out of sight...but there. Waiting for the perfect moment to make their presence known. Why? Who?

By the time 10:30 came ,She was not far from paranoid.She sprang from her Shaker style bed. This feeling she could no longer ignore was starting to consume her. She began to search her room...first under the bed. Then in the closet...nothing. As she turned toward the picture window A chill ran down her spine, Sure the presence was tucked between the open drapes and the wall. Grabbing the candle stick from the writing desk in the opposite corner of the room, She slowly crept toward the window, holding her breath as if it would not hear her coming. Of course it could hear her..even see her. She was beginning to regret this move to the country. There no one Would notice a struggle or even the screams of a woman being brutally attacked in the small hours. One step at a time she told herself. As the raised the candle stick and inched slowly fore ward She was certain this thing..or insane person would spring toward her using the drapes to blind and subdue her. One more step and she could reach the drapes, yank them aside and strike the intruder all in one fast move. Lunging fore ward and grabbing at the drapes she nearly fell through the window. As she frantically shuffled through the drapes she began to cry realizing there was no one there. She fell to her knees in a moment of fear and relief. Gathering her wits. She turned to look around the room again and realized that if there was someone there..even out side. They may still come for her.

Somebody told me...

Somebody told me that one day you would break my heart. They told me you would use me for all i was worth and leave me hanging. They said as soon as you spent all my money...you would disappear. One of them even said you would be gone in six months...another a year...most said you would stay until things got hard,then you would just be gone. You are still here! Still here for me..Still holding on. Still fighting for me.

Somebody should have considered that they don't know you like i do. They do not know that you have an iron will...and a heart of gold. Thank you for being you.

Wow

Wow what a revealing day today was. Some people let their true colors shine through. I am not sure why some of the very dull grey people surprise me...guess i imagined some of them as vivid reds. Maybe i pictured some of them as they are at work. Most of us are bubbly at work. I am a bit hyper at work and at home. Some of my co-workers just walk by with their heads to the ground. Like they are afraid to look at you. I guess it is cool when the quiet ones have loud moments...but the loud ones being quiet is a bit unnerving.

Fancy-free

Today gave a hint of spring time energy to me. I went out and did some weeding in my flower beds. I cleaned up all of the little trash that builds up over the cold winter months. It feels wonderful to get out finally. About a month ago i potted some roses and hosta's...today with the help of my loving mate...they got planted into the cool spring earth.How pleasing to be out getting dirty as i did as a child.I am feeling that distant feeling of being fancy-free.

My needs

My needs are quite simple...i don't think i ask too much...just the love and respect of the people i let into my life. Even more important...my children...Toe-toe..Steph..Anthony..sam...sarah....You all are the most important people in the world to me...my greatest need is you all!

Mixing Faith

Some one asked how people from different faiths or religions can make a relationship work.
To open i have to say...You fall in love with a person....not a religion! With love should come respect for each persons beliefs. Love without respect is doomed from the start! Any clergy , priest, priestess...even any shaman, god or goddess or will tell you that.In my teens i dated a Catholic and very much enjoyed celebrating his faith with him. Even though i did not share the beliefs it was nice to be there for someone. Participating in a loved ones faith {even if it is not yours} is to share in the soul of them. Understanding that the other persons faith is a major part of who they are...and appreciating that fact is a true act of love and respect. If you are really in love with someone...remember our faith guides us to where we are today.Be thankful that the one you love has a solid footing in some thing spiritual...no matter what it is.

Wondering

I am wondering about the human capacity for trust. Does anyone really trust any one else completely? Why is trust so important to me? I mean people always talk about trusting others...but i think it is natural to have some doubts. We just should not let them take over our lives. I am pretty sure my man trusts me ....but he makes little snide remarks some times that make me wonder. Then again i am sure i do the same to him. Not that i try to but i am sure i have. I recently started a myspace...mainly to keep up with the kids....but some friends will end up there I'm sure...maybe even some co-workers. But in no way do i intend to look around for something different...I am happy with the life i have. I am sure if he had one i would want to check it out though. I have said before that i know he has a wondering eye...fine, as long as it does not wonder to deep......no deep thought allowed....ha ha! I have even pointed out a hottie or two for him myself......i guess I'm good like that. I guess i wonder how i can trust at all with all i have been through. Maybe it all comes down to knowing how much life i would miss out on if i did not allow others to get close to me. I look back on my life and hope that i never hurt another human enough to cause them to miss trust others. I also hope that no one ever gives me a reason to close my self off to the rest of the world.

Today

Today i am sick and the goddess is not a happy one....It is cold and raining. I have this deep urge to pack up my car and drive south until i hit 80 degree temps...With Lot's of SUN. The last few winters have put me into depression...like all winter long. My sport beaten joints are screaming....WARM SUN PLEASE! OH i guess whining won't help though. I sometimes wonder if i am allergic to cold...ha ha. I really want to write some amazing, warm, happy story for you to read....but i am chilled to the core. I tried looking at some pictures from last summers outdoor fun but no luck.I think i will just curl up with a big bowl of soup and a heavy blanket...sounds warm to me. But before i go for the afternoon.....Love to all my family and friends...i may be a bit psycho now but picture me when it is 90 degrees and i am still wearing long sleeves....that is really psycho!

Stillness

Today i need nothing other than stillness. My mind is racing...so is the pace i have been moving for quite some time now. I am so tired of trying to read the people around me.It is so draining when people won't just say what they are thinking. And no...not what they think you want to hear. We make living much more like work when we hold back our true thoughts and wishes. I mean why pretend...we could really be missing out on some amazing and insightful conversations. So now i will go and find a quiet place and just be still. No tv or radio....no nothing,just me and the stillness.

Hate?

I had a conversation today about different types of prejudiced. The conversation was with a co-worker. I feel relieved that i am not alone in my thoughts. I believe that human beings should have come far enough in our evolution that race,sexual preference,religion, should be a non-issue! But still we judge. All of us are guilty in some way. I have a tendency to judge those who are not as open minded as myself. I have a philosophy that no human should be hated for anything other than their actions. So in turn i judge the "HATERS". I am unsure of where to draw the line. I know that if intuition says stay away...i do. Other than that i try to accept others as they are. I find that if we embrace our anger and other negative feelings...we can then learn from them. We are taught to hate. Born free of judgement,and free of others influences. Born with an amazing capacity to love. A desire we call curiosity. A desire to bond with others. If only we as adults could embrace that youthful appreciation of humanity.

Weekend atlast!!!!

Hey,Hey have fun it is Friday! Today is commonly known as good Friday....so spread the love! Get your rune charmed eggs ready for burial......and enjoy the first weekend of spring.Onion snow tomorrow!!!! Get to planting!

I AM" ALTERNATIVE" IN THE FLESH

Some of my co-workers recently found out that i am WICCAN. My alternative lifestyle has raised allot of questions recently...some,well most are afraid to ask....but the rumor mill always runs full circle.
I will address some of the questions that those who were afraid to ask me, have asked others.
Ok..Do i believe in god?....no.
Do i worship the devil? ...no I do not believe in the notion of the christian God or Devil.....there is no Lil man with horns and pitch fork.
Do i preform sacrifices....BIG NO...that would kill me.
Do i allow my children to celebrate christian holidays?...IN a way yes.


It would be easier to tell you the foundations of my belief system....

Harm none...even negative thoughts toward another being could harm them.
Never dabble...always make informed decisions...your life depends on it.
Never impose your will on another.
Personal gain never comes without hard work.
Getting your hands dirty reminds you of all the gifts we are given.
To grow anything is to give something back.
You own your mistakes,wear them and remember.
Negative breeds only more negative.
Positive action and thought will get you every where.
Hate is wasted energy.
Anger is human.
Sometimes inaction is the best action.
The only thing you will ever really own is your behavior.
Love is the greatest gift you can give your enemies.

FOR ANTHONY

For my child i thank the stars. For his life i thank the Earth and all of it's wonders.
And to my amazing son, Anthony.....

As you have grown from a tiny baby into a wonderful young man, you have taught me as much about love as i have you. When you were born and they took you away to warm you and make sure you were going to be OK, i was so very afraid. Your birth was so difficult, your tiny body cold and blue, taught me just how fragile our existence is. In the night when i would hold you, I would dream of the man you would grow to be. All of the opportunities waiting for you, all of the fun you will have. All of those dreams pale in comparison to the endless love i have for you! And now for the first time we will be apart..but my son i hope you realize that we are in each others hearts. I will never love you less.. just because we are apart. You will always be right next to me, we never really part. I am sure this will be scary..this move you did not choose to make..but i am right here my child this bond can never break! So if you are sad or lonely...or just wish i were around, Remember hugs and kisses... and that ill always be around.

A SAD DAY!

So today my son will go to live with his father. I am so very mixed about this. I know that even if i do not approve of many of the things my ex does...he truly loves our son. For the last 12 years with the exception of visits to dad's house...I have been the only constant in his life. I miss him so much and we have just begun our time apart. As a realist i know that there are things in a boy's life that only a father can teach....but at the same time, it is like cutting out half of my heart. All that i have done for 18 years now has been based on what is best for my children...and in the last 7 mts. two of my children have moved out. My eldest just grew up and flew the coop. A very sad thing but i did my job to the best of my ability when it comes to raising her. Oh but my not so little boy.....moving in with his dad......this really hurts! I hope that all of the energy in the universe will be there to protect and keep him.

Life mates

Do you ever think that humans were never meant to have life long mates? I wonder sometimes. Though i am extremely loyal and totally opposed to infidelity in any type of relationship.. i know that 60 % of people are not. Scary number huh! true love is not a concept that i can not really understand. But can any human. I know that when you choose to give yourself to another, it should be a 100% commitment. But if it fails or goes bad..as long as you are honest and end your situation...there is nothing matter with moving on. If you have children you should be very careful not to hurt them in the process. I have been there! My children though have always come first! Just ask my boyfriend..hahaha! I do however leave room for respecting my mate. I am not sure that my man sees things the same way...he always seems to be waiting to see what is around the next corner....not so committed! But i believe he is loyal in the physical aspect. Just not as much in the mental aspect. I think this is normal for most men though. I always here women say that their men have cold feet when it comes to commitments of the mind and spirit.
I hope i am not just being naive. I have to trust that it is all a venus and mars thing....what do you think?

All the small things.

I wish there was a way to change all of the little things we don't like about other people and not change the person. I have all my own flaws to deal with...that is for sure! Would that be cool or what! To stop your lover from doing that one little annoying thing that you just can't stand! I must admit though the little annoyances in those we love are usually what attracts us to them initially. We see them as funny until we live with them for a while. And let us be real...If you love someone you don't really want them to change. Maybe we need to adapt. We need to realize that our little differences are what makes us beautiful. Not only do we need them we thrive on them! Opposites do attract!

I know that in my own relationship there are major differences between the two of us. Sometimes i think that those differences will be the end of us. I don't feel the need to look at other men... and when i am not around sometimes he looks a bit too hard....But i think that this is quite normal. And i know he loves me. No i don't like it....but i am after all..not him. So i trust that it is all in fantasy...if not he can go chase whoever he wants to. Just not while we share a home and life.

We also share different religious beliefs. This can definitely cause some issues. We are in fact fundamentally opposites. I am wiccan..he is christian. I respect all life..he looks out for his own interests. I have faith in humanity..he has doubts. I think about tomorrow..he lives in the moment. I am green.... he is..... Well if he even knew, i would tell you.

But we live, laugh, love and share together. Together..that is the ticket!

For my friends...

If i tell you anything about myself i consider you a friend...that means all of the people i work with too! I try to surround myself with good hearted people. I think that for the most part i have achieved that goal. Each of the people i share with should feel complimented because...i love you all and you all have a special place in my heart.

I want...

I want to feel like i am the queen for just a moment. I want to make more money at my job so i don't have to leave it....i do love my job! I want my loved ones to be happy! I want warm weather and sun for a week! I want a house plant that my dog won't die from if he eats it. I want to lay by the ocean and not worry about getting a sun burn! I want my man to decide what he wants from his life and fight for it! I want to not feel like my heart is in limbo! I want to take a nap and not be bothered! I really want world peace! I want to be able to have dreams like someone who is not such a realist. I want it to be OK to want these things...and not be looked at so oddly. Oh yes and i want my dog to scoop his own poo! Last but not least i want all of the people in my life to know piece of mind and that i will always love them.

Feeling Blue

I am feeling blue today even though it is beautiful outside. Yes i know get out and enjoy it!!! Yeah yeah...I'll get right on it.
Some things are bothering me that i really don't think need to be talked about. Why can't people let it at that? I am just in a quiet mood and got lots on my mind. I don't think a day without a smile will kill me!
I know that people are not used to seeing me like this and to those of you who read this.....I'M SORRY! I do how ever appreciate their concern. Some of them may need to consider that their actions are part of my problem. I really don't like it when someone tries to bullshit me ...duh we all have our little tells! I spent far to long living with little lies and omissions. I would rather be alone forever than be deceived for even a moment! Remember folks.. i have brain damage I'm not stupid! How can you look at yourself in the mirror and not want to smash it. My man says he has hidden things from me in the past because of how i get/am......What is wrong with demanding respect when i have earned it!?.. Yes lies really piss me off and omissions are still lies! If i treated people in such a way i don't think i could live with my self. Yes those little things really do hurt me. I am a single mother and i work too hard for too little money,No that does not make me special But it damn sure means i have earned some respect. I have never sucked off the system....or stolen to get ahead....I don't lie or play with other peoples emotions. I think it is my turn to relax a bit and enjoy the little time that i have!

Note to my lover ...continued.

I want to revisit a prior subject. In a "note to my lover" a wrote about issues at home i would like to go back there now.

Well i know you are reading this so i will say thank you for being you. And loving me! You make me mad at times..as i know i do the same to you. I try to listen and try to speak male...though this is hard because i am all woman! I try to always let you know that you are precious to me. My heart beats faster when you walk in the room. When you touch me.... i get warm all over. I could quote 1 million love songs, but they do no justice to how you make me feel. Even when you are forced to deal with all of the conflict and tension that are sometimes a part of my life as a mother of four....you always try to see my point of view. You never expect me to choose between my children's happiness and yours. I think you know that i would choose my children over any living soul...and you respect that. That is something that i need so very much...and i never have to ask! The smile on my face is because I Love My Life....and you are half of that equation. THANK YOU MY LOVE!!!!

The FLU

So last week i got the flu and for a week i was waiting to kill over. Today though i feel so much better......glad i was scheduled for some time off!!! I have not beaten the bug totally but am deffinately on the mend. I got my computer back finally so here i am wondering what to do first.
I guess ill say that this year i opted to not get the flu shot, but from what i hear from the CDC that really does not matter....they were way off on the expected flu strain this season. People keep saying i got the shot...why then did i get the flu. It is an easy answer. The flu shot only really helps if the researchers can manage to predict the evolutionary path of the flu bugs that they have isolated. In this case they were wrong. The vaccine is still worth it's weight in gold though due to the risk of deadly secondary infections caused by exposure to the active virus.
So go ahead and take the ten minutes again next fall to get the shot...if they get it right...you will be a healthier person for it! And no the vaccine does not make you sick!!!!! You only get sick if you have already picked up a similar bug and then your immune system is already on guard..so
you were getting sick already!

Are We Raising A Generation Of Serial Killers?

Yesterday on the school bus ride home my 11 yr. old son was the victim of a horrible verbal and emotional assault. Some older girls age 15,16,and17 began this ugly incident when my son stepped on a backpack owned by one of the girls,witch she had laid in the aisle. He was taunted and teased during the 45 minute bus ride to our home. He was called FAT, PORKY PIG, The GOBBLIN from HARRY POTTER......They even sunk to the level of taking his photo saying i can't balieve he is so ugly and fat.Oh look at his big ears ......you can imagine how devistating this would be to any child...even an adult would have trouble holding back...Hell when i was in school i would have kicked ass until i could not kick anymore!!!!!But in this age of "PEACEFUL RESOLUTION" my young son just sat there and took it! I am so very proud of his humanity and restraint,but at the same time am absolutely furious with the children and espically the bus driver who just let it all happen! I laid in bed and cried for my son who never even shed a tear...
wondering how this could have been allowed to happen.In my home there is a zero tolerance rule when it comes to hateful or demeaning behavior. I would literally beat my child if i knew they acted in such a way. So i must wonder now what damage has been done to my son.Is this behavior what leads to school shootings...terrorism...all of the things we are trying to prevent. My son seems cold to the fact that he has been brutalized.Now don't get me wrong i don't think this incident alone could cause such events...but the accumulative effect of these incidents could easily cause any human to snap.We are desensatizing our children in order to create a more peaceful world. The old saying sticks n stones can break my bones but words can never hurt my has been proven time and again false...bones heal...but the mind when pushed too far ....that can never truely heal. The anger festers and the mind becomes a place where the darkest of thoughts dwell. Yes my friends anger is good and should be expressed! It is instinct to react when one is threatened. When in action is tought as a rule then we are raising a generation of hateful young people who indeed are capable of those dark actions......are you raising a killer.....we all are when we teach our children that it is ok to forget the fragility of the humen mind!Until we remember that our children are human and have human feelings that can indeed be hurt we will all be raising A GENERATION OF SERIAL KILLERS!

My NEVER List

When i decided to accept who i was on the inside i thought i should make a list of NEVERS to live by. The first never was the most obvious to anyone who knew me Never Never Never no matter what never be cold to people like my mother is. This is much harder than it sounds!When i feel hurt i can be down right frigid,and have to remind myself that we are all human. The next never is to never judge another human until i give them a chance. I could miss out on some amazing friendships,not to mention great adventures! I then made a choice to never dwell on the negative
experiences in life because i knew from a very young age that this was a waste of time, feelings, and emotions. The last but most important never was never pass up the chance to love....even when love goes bad there are so very many good lessons it can teach us!After all the bad i have endured and all of the wonder i have seen i still recite this list and remember to never do something on my never list or i will be the one who misses out on living!

A question of faith

As Sunday starts to fade away i find myself pondering the nature of faith and belief. At a very early age i began to question religion in general. I found it difficult to understand the concept of groups of people getting together once or twice a week to listen to someone tell them how to feel.

And listening to the gossip and insults shared between the older folks there i would have trouble understanding how it was ok to do these things directly before and after the preacher man said it was wrong to judge others. It was explained to me (i was raesed christian) that god forgives people who ask and that faith in god meant trying to be better not being perfect. When i questioned this concept due to the actions of the people who were telling me this, The answer that as i grew with god i would understand....well then i knew that something was amiss in this theory of repeated sin and absolution. It soon became apparent to me that i was very different.

When at age 5 i began to have prophetic dreams and waking visions of who people were behind closed doors.This really created some issues with the adults in my life. I started being treated differently in church,school, and even in my own home. I think my mothers christian closed mind
had trouble with the concept of a gifted child so i was seen and treated as a problem child. The church tried to save me. My mom tried to change me. My school tried to tell me that i was only using my imagination too much. Well that led to therapy...church therapy...youth groups. Later it was a defiance disorder.....sleeping pills...a suicide attempt. The attempt on my life was followed by a 30 day hospitol stay..then foster care and lots of really bad judgement. What they did not understand was this "acting out"was a survival instinct.....I was not them and becoming as they
would have killed me. I appriciated my uniqueness and would have done near anything to pcotect
it. After living in a lifetime movie of the week for many years(abusive husband,addiction,struggle)
I found freedom in being odd.
I lived and laughed and loved like there was no tomorrow. I became the person i always knew was hiding deep inside of me. More than anything i fell in love with my humanity.

Note to my lover...

I told you that you hurt my feelings and you acted as if i was not allowed to feel that way. Now i have to wonder if you have any respect for me as a human......or yet alone as your lover.I have been faithful. I have been here for you through thick and thin.I have never asked for anything in return,except your respect and loyalty.Time and time again you have shown me disrespect. I have forgiven you! You offered your help once and expected me to pay you back.Is this what couples are supposed to do? When you are even confronted in the slightest, you get defensive and threaten to end it. That makes me feel as if you are looking for a reason to end things and make it all my fault.If that is the case Just do it and move on.The suspence is killing me! I wonder if you can really live with our differences.You cant wait to get out and i cant wait to get home.You think i'm insecure but you make me feel that way sometimes.You say you think i'm smart but say i am silly when i express my feelings or opinions. Can we really last like this...I am not so sure we can. And for all the bad there is just as much good. Does the good make up for the bad? If so should it?I only hope that you are as willing to hear me , as i am to tell.You are out tonight having a blast, i guess i can't give you that. You want children and i can't give you that either. You wanted to get married then you sobored up and i said ask me when you are sobor That was over a year ago now and you have not asked again....i guess you don't want something that you can't walk away from. I think you need to re think your position and do what you really want to. Not what you like the idea of doing...or feel you need to do. You asked to move in and i said wait until i know for sure...You waited...I said yes and let you in....I also love you enough to let you out.

Love you for ever....even if we can no longer be a we.....Iva

Today and myself

Today seems like a good day to clean the house and walk the dog! Yes i am off today and it is finally not an ice bound day.I almost don't know what to do with myself.Sure there are always a million things i would like to get done, but what is important right now? I am relaxing now,doing what i enjoy most....writing. The laundry is done...the bathroom is clean...the beds are made...i have like two cups to wash. I am on the third cup of coffee....and loving every sip. 9:47 am and
bored already. I rented the movie WAR last night and have no desire to lay there and watch it.
I think i need a life..hahahaha. I listen to my co-workers talking about all the things they plan to do on their day off. The idea of shopping sickens me. Spending the day with all of my non working friends...well that is a real long shot because all of my friends work! Wow, bieng content must be very rare. Content i am though....no need to spend money i don't have on crap i don't need. No desire to spend time with people less content because i need an ego boost. Don't drink so no desire to" tie one on" on my day off.I guess im really not bored ....just content! That feels pretty good! Ahhh...the agenda...coffee, yoga, walk the dog, relax in a hot bath, and whatever i desire from then on! Great plan!

Really , it is all babble!

Well that's it i am in love and could not be happier.........Yes we would all love to say that!!!!

A friend asked me a question about her relationship.My answer to her dismay was multi para graphical and SO SO SO very honest. I think that i really upset her, i saw tears in her eyes
and she has not spoken to me since. SO the question of the day is WHY ASK THE QUESTION
IF YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR THE ANSWER?

My thoughts on the subject is that we already know the answers....at least to the hard questions.
I think we ask so we don't have to face the answer...it is easier to get the wrong answer and then blame the one who was willing to tell you what you wanted to hear when things go wrong. Life and love are not supposed to be easy....if they were we would take it all for granted. Struggle helps us appreciate those things that really mean the most.

This philosophy only works though if we are willing to learn from our mistakes and misfortunes.
If you marry for looks and money....after the ugly divorce....try loving for the human factor. If you are an addict.....well... duh...avoid what you are addicted to. If it bothers you... eliminate it.
If you are not happy...then it is time to move on.
Now was that so hard?

OK so you do have an opinion....GREAT! What are you going to do about it?......Yeah yeah first you have to get off your ass and be willing to play devils advocate! Not so easy huh?!. So here is a little guide to follow;

Step 1 Answer this question...Who am I? If you answered move to step 2.

Step 2 Now that you know who you are, ask What matters to me? If you answered this one you are doing better than most! move to step 3.

Step 3 Count your blessings and decide for yourself the steps from here...you are on your way back to humanity...find your path ,your ,and fight until you are happy with your humanity and choices. After all we are the only species capably of preventing out own extinction.Embrace that power.

MY FELLOW AMERICANS

Last night i watched a little of the CNN/Black Caucus Debate.I learned allot,well allot of nothing. Just sitting there listening to three people go back and forth about things that they will forget about if/when one of them is elected by the People of this great country. I pondered the idiosyncrasies of our country and the choices made by our leaders.....Choices that as a people we are judged by. I have come to realize that we the people have the worst character judgement skills of any modern nation in the country. Since when does a country so wealthy and privileged just allow itself to be degraded by the actions of the few? Since now i guess! We have allowed our president to darken the image of our amazing country. Bullies in the eyes of the world....That is us. We are at the proverbial cross roads and we are standing back saying duh i dunno! Why,have we lost the voice that once demanded respect from all and realized that we also had to earn that respect?No i don't thank we have lost it...just misplaced it. It is easy to lose sight of the real issues and struggles of humanity. It is much easier to complain about our economy and our crime rate..hell even the price of gas when families cant even afford the near 4.00 per gallon to buy milk for our children. Let us as a people remember the pride and freedom that is America and the price we must pay to keep those freedoms. Until we find that voice of hope again we have surrendered our power of choice to the powers that be....The ones we chose to lead us! GET YOUR ASS OFF THE COUCH AND ACT LIKE AN AMERICAN......USE THAT POWER OF CHOICE AND MAKE YOURSELF HEARD!!!!!!!

In the eyes

In the eye of the beholder is where I'm told true beauty lies. I see my own desires there.The hopes and dreams of many,the emotions of a world in chaos.The confusion of a mass of whirling energy absent of purpose.A flicker of love and a tear of loss.The staunch stillness of a leader,the light of childhood amazement.A deep understanding of matters of the heart.The vest expanse of the mind all mirrored there.The beauty of life.That is what i found there.

Monarch

With a flutter of his silken wings he takes flight into the mystical evening sky.He sails through the pleasantly cool air,absorbing in awe the sights and smells of the land below.To his amazement the world below was wonderfully full of life.So many strange but beautiful sights.
So many colors and textures.It is now an overwhelmed feeling that comes over him.He decides to fly lower to more closely inspect the glistening water below.While floating and fluttering close to the cool water he sees the most majestic creature he has ever seen.The creature appeared to be following his every move.He tried to trick the creature in the water and landed on a blade of grass.It was then he realized the creature he was watching was himself....The King....The Monarch.

Welcome

Welcome to my life in words.
Today i decided to start a blog.I really love to write,and share my feelings.

When i woke up late this morning i rushed around in a panic,afraid to disapoint those who count on me at work.Well after i got to work on time i realized that i forgot about the people who matter most to me,my loving man and four amazing children.Let us not forget the dog who really makes child number five.I thought about not giving the early morning kiss and hug.I then began to wonder if anyone really missed me at all.I know i missed them all even before i left the house.
After putting in my time at work i went home to an empty house...all accept for the dog who cried and jumped all over me.Big wet doggy kisses....so i guess i was missed after all!